im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
