I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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