Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
