I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
