i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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