I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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