If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
