He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
