I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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