I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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