Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
