Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
