Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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