I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
