i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
