franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
