I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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