girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
