I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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