watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
