I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Is Oprah even human
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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