i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
