Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
