Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
