I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
