my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
