every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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