see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
