Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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