im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
