Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
