i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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