you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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