In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
be right there i have to get my cape
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
