I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
