fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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