FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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