It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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