you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
