Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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