under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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