Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
