Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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