I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
