There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
