If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
