i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
