i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
