she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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