My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
