I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
