my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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